Welcome to New York (or the 9th floor of the county building)

 

My life feels like a Taylor Swift song right now. Or rather, two specific Taylor Swift albums. 1989 with a touch of Red. 

People say you're supposed to outgrow this stuff. But you see, me and Taylor Swift have been living in parallel lives. We have both felt heartbreak, been in love with people on the football team, felt like "pick me" girls, and of course, have been complete badasses on our own terms.

I recently quit my tarot business. For good. I just don't have the passion for reading tarot for others anymore as I did before. So I am pivoting, probably for the nine billionth time in my life. I recently applied for a public sector job. I have the interview this Thursday, the 18th. 

"Welcome to New York" by Taylor Swift from the 1989 album, is the song that sums up life right now. I'm healing. I'm changing gears from solo work to structured environments. I honestly thought that my day being in a structured environment was over. While I loved the freedom of being my own boss, nothing beats financial independence. After all, I am an old-school feminist. I am grateful to those who fought for me to even have a job in the first place. I'm grateful for my right to vote. I'm grateful for being able to wear pants!

I have a lot of goals and dreams for myself. I want to get my license (yes, I've decided to try to get my license). I want to take over my parents' house when they are gone and call this house my cozy cottage, with my two cats. And maybe a dog. I want to plant wildflowers in my front yard. And in the backyard, I want to have a vegetable garden. Now, I've never gardened in my life. But it does interest me. I've always loved flowers. Receiving them from a special guy makes me happy. But now that I am single (fully single) and will probably be single for the foreseeable future (although my astrologer says otherwise), I want to buy myself flowers. And I will plant them! 

Because I love myself. I am beautiful. You should see this spicy selfie I took of myself the other day. I loved my hair, my eyes, my smile. I looked so happy. While I may not have the perfect body, I truly am a goddess in my eyes. I know few people will agree with me, but I see it. I finally see it. And it only took 20 years.

Saucy craboo.

And I know I can be confident in my career. What happened in my career in my 20s and 30s does not own me anymore. And yes, I am autistic. Yes, I have a learning disability in math. Yes, I am bipolar. Yes, I am more emotional than logical. But that doesn't stop me anymore. I will not let people yelling at me scare me anymore. I'm going to learn how to tame my Aries moon. I get confrontational easily, but I'm biting my tongue now unless I need to.

We only get one life, and Taylor Swift is always getting shit talked about her. And all she is doing is being herself. And she's not apologizing for it anymore. I am going to be fearless. And maybe one day, my person will come and let me shine and appreciate me. Or maybe not. Maybe I just do my thing. Be my own girl boss 🤣.

Yes, I've had pivots in life. And there were times I was hard on myself. I didn't love myself or value myself, and sought it out in other people. No more.

And funny thing. I re-read my poetry book, GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose. And when I read that book from front to back, I remembered who the hell I was. 

It's difficult to get here. And I'm thankful for the person who saw me first, before I even noticed them. And I'm thankful that I finally saw it in myself.

Oh, and also, me and Taylor Swift and I do have the same initials...ST TS. I joke that I am her and she is me in a parallel universe. The only difference is her middle name is Alison and my middle name is Jean.

And because I'm not going to just talk about physical looks, I love how my mind works. I can see both sides of a coin. I'm smart as heck about some stuff that goes over people's minds. I can write!

I Look Horrible...(and I Don't Need You to Fix it!): A prose on how compliments can invalidate women's feelings

 

My Facebook post from my personal page that says "When I say I look horrible, I am not fishing for compliments. I am saying I look horrible. Don't argue with me and call me "cute."

I am no longer afraid to say, "I look horrible" or "I feel horrible." And no, I do not need you to say, "You're cute!", and other well-meaning compliments and positive validation.

I used to always feel low about how I looked. The old me would have smiled softly when a fellow woman would say I was pretty. And I would soak up the compliment even more if a man told me I was still beautiful on days I didn't like my stomach or I had just finished crying my eyes out. 

Now I am taking my power back. I no longer require validation or compliments to "cover up" how I feel about myself when I take selfies with my dad or when I'm on the psych ward crying my eyes out after a suicide attempt. I'm going to say, "I look horrible, and that's okay." I don't need to be polished and perfect when life is falling apart or I am not in the most flattering of lighting.

When a woman says, "I look horrible", "I'm a mess", "I feel bad", this is not attention seeking. She is simply expressing parts of herself she doesn't love right now. And that's okay. 

She is not insecure. She isn't low-key "flirting" (really??). She is just expressing how she views herself or feels at this moment. Do not come in and try to "rescue her" (unless she asks for it). Let her feel what she feels and listen to her. When she's self-abusive, gently remind her, but let her feel her emotions.

Saying "I look horrible", "I feel bad", "I'm a mess" is NOT abuse! It's a temporary emotion. She can have bad days when her outfit isn't cute, or life is chaotic with a sick parent or colicky baby. 

Eventually, she bounces back from these moments. She feels good about herself. She loves her body. She has a day where the math is mathing and her asshole cats aren't knocking vases off the table.

She is allowed to feel bad. She is allowed to validate her own beauty and self-worth. She is allowed to express herself in any way she chooses and make you feel uncomfortable. Don't rush and fix her. Don't say, "You're gorgeous! Turn that frown upside down!" Instead, say, "I love you no matter what, and I will always be here."

A picture of my dad and I on his first good day in the hospital. Yes, he's still in the hospital. I am making a dumb face, and yes, I look horrible with frizzy poofy hair and the awkward smile. But I cherish this picture because it reminds me of the first good day my dad had in the two weeks he's been in the hospital.

Tell me, do you get upset when you're feeling horrible or think you look bad and someone pipes up and says "Aww, you're cute!" or "Shut up! You look good!" or other variations? Let me know in the comments! Let's vent together! I can't be the only one who feels like this!