Welcome to New York (or the 9th floor of the county building)

 

My life feels like a Taylor Swift song right now. Or rather, two specific Taylor Swift albums. 1989 with a touch of Red. 

People say you're supposed to outgrow this stuff. But you see, me and Taylor Swift have been living in parallel lives. We have both felt heartbreak, been in love with people on the football team, felt like "pick me" girls, and of course, have been complete badasses on our own terms.

I recently quit my tarot business. For good. I just don't have the passion for reading tarot for others anymore as I did before. So I am pivoting, probably for the nine billionth time in my life. I recently applied for a public sector job. I have the interview this Thursday, the 18th. 

"Welcome to New York" by Taylor Swift from the 1989 album, is the song that sums up life right now. I'm healing. I'm changing gears from solo work to structured environments. I honestly thought that my day being in a structured environment was over. While I loved the freedom of being my own boss, nothing beats financial independence. After all, I am an old-school feminist. I am grateful to those who fought for me to even have a job in the first place. I'm grateful for my right to vote. I'm grateful for being able to wear pants!

I have a lot of goals and dreams for myself. I want to get my license (yes, I've decided to try to get my license). I want to take over my parents' house when they are gone and call this house my cozy cottage, with my two cats. And maybe a dog. I want to plant wildflowers in my front yard. And in the backyard, I want to have a vegetable garden. Now, I've never gardened in my life. But it does interest me. I've always loved flowers. Receiving them from a special guy makes me happy. But now that I am single (fully single) and will probably be single for the foreseeable future (although my astrologer says otherwise), I want to buy myself flowers. And I will plant them! 

Because I love myself. I am beautiful. You should see this spicy selfie I took of myself the other day. I loved my hair, my eyes, my smile. I looked so happy. While I may not have the perfect body, I truly am a goddess in my eyes. I know few people will agree with me, but I see it. I finally see it. And it only took 20 years.

Saucy craboo.

And I know I can be confident in my career. What happened in my career in my 20s and 30s does not own me anymore. And yes, I am autistic. Yes, I have a learning disability in math. Yes, I am bipolar. Yes, I am more emotional than logical. But that doesn't stop me anymore. I will not let people yelling at me scare me anymore. I'm going to learn how to tame my Aries moon. I get confrontational easily, but I'm biting my tongue now unless I need to.

We only get one life, and Taylor Swift is always getting shit talked about her. And all she is doing is being herself. And she's not apologizing for it anymore. I am going to be fearless. And maybe one day, my person will come and let me shine and appreciate me. Or maybe not. Maybe I just do my thing. Be my own girl boss 🤣.

Yes, I've had pivots in life. And there were times I was hard on myself. I didn't love myself or value myself, and sought it out in other people. No more.

And funny thing. I re-read my poetry book, GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose. And when I read that book from front to back, I remembered who the hell I was. 

It's difficult to get here. And I'm thankful for the person who saw me first, before I even noticed them. And I'm thankful that I finally saw it in myself.

Oh, and also, me and Taylor Swift and I do have the same initials...ST TS. I joke that I am her and she is me in a parallel universe. The only difference is her middle name is Alison and my middle name is Jean.

And because I'm not going to just talk about physical looks, I love how my mind works. I can see both sides of a coin. I'm smart as heck about some stuff that goes over people's minds. I can write!