The Attempt
It was the night of June 13th. I had just released my first book I self-published, Saturday Morning Tarot: Tarot Spreads For Your Inner 80's Child (which is now out of print). I felt like I wasn't getting much support on it on social media. I felt unseen and unheard. I craved validation as an actual author. I hoped more people would celebrate my book and my authorship. Instead of telling myself that I write for me and other cliche's, I wallowed, feeling sorry for myself. I texted my therapist, hoping to schedule an appointment with her for the next day. No response. I cut myself as that makes me feel a little better and I snap out of it. I was willing to break my five-year streak of no cutting for this emergency. When the cutting didn't help any, I went to my parents and talked to them, seeing if they would show me some compassion or hug me tightly. I got into a fight with my parents, instead.
"NO ONE SUPPORTS ME! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!", I yelled and sobbed while my mom held me tightly, trying to calm me down.
After that, this is where my mind goes blank. I remember I went for some pills in the cupboard. Any pills I can find. I didn't care what they did to me and if I survived or not. My mom was out in the kitchen and she yelled for my dad to stop me. My dad is literally my hero. As I was getting water to drink with the handful of pills (I can't swallow pills without water, I'm one of those people), my dad grabbed my hand and yelled at me.
"What's the matter with you?!" he yelled at me. I broke down crying and asked to go to the ER. I was due for a grippy sock vacation.
My Mental Health History
I have a mental health history of Not Otherwise Specified Depression, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Bipolar II with psychosis. This was the first time I actually attempted suicide. I have threatened suicide since I was thirteen. I got help in 1998 after years of being bullied and being bullied by a neighbor/old crush took a toll on me. I have been on several medications and have been in therapy since. A lot of my mental health and self-esteem issues has come from childhood bullying. I went undiagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder until 2006, when I was 22. I was also in special education classes for math, social studies, civics, economics, and science.
How Creativity Has Helped Me Deal with My Mental Health
Writing poetry has been a lifesaver for me, mostly. It's a coping mechanism I learned when I was fifteen or sixteen years old from a therapist. I stopped writing poetry when I was out of high school. I wanted to write a novella. But my parents did not believe that I could make a living as a writer. They told me to either get a job or go to college. So I went to college, and I stopped writing for about 20 years. I would write some erotica on the Internet. But it wasn't my best work. I was averaging 2 stars to 4 stars on my stories. And eventually, I wasn't obsessed with sex anymore.
In 2021, I picked up writing poetry again. I set myself the challenge of writing 100 poems a day, good or bad. I went into the depths of my soul. I did some deep healing and introspective work with my new therapist. She encouraged me to keep writing as a coping skill because it was overall improving my mental health.
I would get burn out from time to time and not write for a month or two, but I would slowly ease back into it. Writing poetry was like the concept of shadow work for me. In 2023, I decided I wanted to publish my poems. I hadn't gotten to 100 poems yet. But I knew I wanted to publish a book of poetry, and maybe even publish more poetry if it was well-received.
July 2024, I finished my 100 poems after my hospitalization. I had reunited with a friend/high school crush on the psych ward (what are the odds people?). I also felt less angry and more healed after my four-day stay in the hospital. My hospital stay re-taught me how cathartic writing is when dealing with hard times, even though I'd ignored this coping mechanism when I needed it most.
My Healing + My Advice
Writing is really therapeutic for me. And you know what else is great? Reading your work at an open mic or writer's and poet's night. Or even reading it to yourself in your bedroom, out loud. The act of vocalizing your writing provides catharsis and healing.
I did a local writer's and poet's night a month after my hospitalization. I read the angriest, chaotic, vulnerable pieces of poetry. And people clapped, they cheered. They LOVED it! I even had someone come up to me, introduce themselves and told me they loved how raw and open my writing is.
My advice to others is it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not write when you don't want to write. But please, tap into your coping skills, such as writing. You don't have to resort to cutting or other means of self-destruction. And if you seriously need help, dial 911 or go to your local emergency room or behavioral crisis center. If you need someone to talk to and are in the United States, call or text 988. There are people in your community and outside of it who care.
Don't be afraid to turn your chaos into something messy, sacred, or beautiful. Creativity can't save you, but it helps lessen the pains and troubles significantly.
No comments:
Post a Comment