3 Things I Loved in October 2025 (and 1 Thing I Absolutely Hated...)

 

We're coming to the end of October at the end of this week. It's time to dive into our monthly blog post, your favorite and mine, 3 Things I Loved in October (and 1 Thing I absolutely hated). October was a stressful month, but it made me stronger in the end. I realized I can do tarot readings and handle tough shit like my dad getting hospitalized (yes, he was hospitalized again) and having to be an assistant care taker.

Without further a due, let's dive into the positives and the one thing I hated with a passion this month.

1. White People Tacos aka Taco Bell

Taco Bell has been a comfort food for me (and I know one of my friends is going to cringe at this). I am a white person, therefore I eat white people tacos. Except my tacos are a little different. They are on a soft shell with just meat and cheese...and ketchup. It's probably not a taco at all, but it's a taco to me. I can't stand lettuce. And I'm not a huge fan of sauces. Sometimes if there is absolutely no ketchup, I'll put Mild sauce on my taco. But that's very rare as I carry ketchup packets with me when I eat inside at Taco Bell lmao. I'm so weird, right? My ex Zach thought that was so cringe. But he would order me my tacos and watch me put ketchup on them 🤣 For goodness sake, don't take me to a Mexican restaraunt where ketchup is not available! 🤣I once tried eating at a local Mexican restaraunt with my niece for my 40th birthday. They served my soft shell tacos with refried beans. The refried beans smelled so bad to me and I wouldn't eat the tacos because the  beans overpowered the taco smell LOL. I ended up paying for both, my niece and mine's dinner. My niece wanted to buy me dinner but I couldn't let her because I didn't eat none of my food. So I paid for both of our dinners. Please excuse me, I have the 'tism.

2. Taylor Swift's New Album, The Life of a Showgirl

I enjoyed Taylor's new album. I'm probably one of the few who did. I'm not an original Swiftie. I became a Swiftie when I heard "Wildest Dreams" and how it reminded me of my ex, Anthony. My favorite track on this album is "Cancelled!". I feel like I can relate to that song because I'm pretty sure I've been cancelled numerous times throughout my life. Where friends became enemies and people talk shit about me. I absolutely adore the chorus in the song:

Good thing I like my friends cancelled
I like 'em cloaked in Gucci and in scandal
Like my whiskey sour
And poison thorny flowers
Welcome to my underworld
Where it gets quite dark
At least you know exactly who your friends are
They're the ones with matching scars

My life since I turned 14 years old has been nothing but scandal LOL. 

3. And lastly, I really loved my Rainbow Brite costume I bought at halloweencostumes.com!

 

There was also something macabre about having Twink as a purse. Like Zombie Brite killed her companion, Twink, and Rainbow Brite took Twink to a taxidermist and turned him into her purse 🤣Here's a picture of the Twink purse (and best thing was I got the purse on sale for $14.99, regular $19.99)

See? Doesn't that look macabre??? 

Twink says "yeah yeah yeah!"

But anyway. The costume was comfortable. I appreciate that it has short sleeves because I am a perimenopausal woman and I get hot easily. I also loved the gloves and legwarmers and bow it came with. The bow was a barette you clip on your ponytail. The leg warmers definitely keep your legs warm. The only thing I didn't like was the belt wasn't long enough for my body. The dress fit, but the belt it didn't fit. So my sister (thank God for her seriously!) did some work with making an extender for it. I probably should have gotten the costume in a 3x instead of s 2x. But the site said true to size. So I figured 2x would have been fine. And it was for the dress. I thought the dress fit like a glove and I didn't look pregnant, unlike some Halloween costumes I've had in the past. This was my first Halloween costume I purchased since 2008. I would totally do it again!

And now, the one thing I absolutely hated about this month...you can probably guess...

My Dad Being in the Hospital...

So my dad's legs gave out on him this time. He couldn't walk or stand. My mom and I tried lifting him up off the ground for about an hour before we called an ambulance. My mom called 911 and it rang several times. No one answered. We called again and they answered on the second ring. They sent two (strong) women paramedics over. They almost didn't take my dad because he was mentally stable and conscious and the E.R. is for stabilization. But my mom was like "I don't know how I'll get him to his doctors, my daughter and I have tried lifting him but we can't". So then they asked my dad if he wanted to go the E.R. and my dad nodded yes. I was shocked because my dad never wants to go to the hospital. But he agreed to go.

He was treated for weakness. They gave him fluids, ran tests on him as they thought he had a bactertial infection as he had a high heart rate and he was coughing a lot. Negative on the bacterial infections. They had him walk at night and then he was able to come home that night around Midnight.

There's more to this story I'm not going to share just yet. My dad was supposed to follow up with his vein doctor and neurologist, since his arteries on his neck are closed 88%. But he never made the appointments. This time, he followed up with his primary care doctor as told. He prescribed him a walker, but the doctor wrote the wrong birthday down. We crossed out the wrong birthday and wrote the correct birthday, but the medical supply company wouldn't take the prescription. They had to get a new prescription faxed over. And we are in the process of waiting for his walker. And then on top of that, we're waiting for the appointment for the vein doctor and neurologist. They were supposed to call us to set up the appointments.

Sighs...I'm just over this stupid system. I'm glad I had my Uncle Dale to vent to on the phone a couple nights ago. He understands where I'm coming from as he and my mom took care of my grandma and granpa (their mom and dad) when they were my age.

It's also my Pluto squaring natal Pluto and Neptune squaring my natal Neptune. More so the Pluto squaring my natal Pluto.  The Neptune squaring my natal Neptune has more to do with my career and romantic relationships. But Pluto squaring natal Pluto lasts about 18 months and it started in September so I've got a while to go. 17 months to be exact. I'm counting down the days!

As for my dad, he's doing a little better. He's still shuffling while he walks (he's shuffled while walking for a few years now), but we have to keep an eye on him and be ready to catch him if he starts to fall or can't get out of the chair. So far he hasn't fallen again. And I hope he DOESN'T fall again and his walker gets here soon.

I'm just fed up with how long it takes to get things going with doctors offices and medical supply companies.

And that concludes what I hate most about this month and the three things I loved in October.  See you next month!

October Poem Dump

Happy Halloween, my Spookies! I'm not a big Halloween fan normally, but this year, I am so in the mood! I've been cozying up in bed watching Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School, Hocus Pocus, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice (which is my first time watching it!), and Looney Tunes Halloween cartoons! However, I haven't really had much inspiration to write spooky/horror themed poems. So instead, this dump will focus on "scary relationships" I've been in. Poems about being with an emotionally manipulative person, my rape (since it's been 26 years since my rape happened), and healing, because not all horror films end in sequels and some of them do have happy endings with the "last girl/guy" getting revenge or peace.  So sit back, grab a cuppa, it's a long one today! Don't be a lurker! Let me know if any of my poems resonated with you, as well!

CONTENT WARNING: It gets a little dark here with discussions of rape and victim-shaming/victim-blaming. You have been warned! If these bother you, you might wanna skip this post.

So may I present to you...the horror of my attempts at finding romance.

Little Man
By: Samantha Jean Tate
(as seen in the book, GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

Little man

You think you can hurt me

By using my weaknesses against me

Little man

You think I actually care

Little man

You think you can hurt me

By your boasting of hookers, booze, and sex

But you know what, little man

Unlike you, I am doing the inner work

I don't need your passive aggressiveness

And fetal attempts to make me jealous

But haha!

I laugh at your pathetic attempt

Little man, I am unphased by your littleness

Now go somewhere far away

And never come back!

Dennis By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

I had to do it

I liked you

But you let being hurt in the past

Block something that could have been meaningful

But you know what?

Your mopiness isn't worth my time and energy

You say you're surrounded by friends

But yet you.message me out of loneliness

I'm lonely too

But you know what?

I'm not lonely enough to settle for you

So I'm blocking you

And keeping you away from me

To protect my own sanity

Standards (or also known as Untitled #1) By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

He really fucked me up

I lowered my standards

When he should have met me

At mine

He told me we had a special bond

A bond that couldn't be broken

But I broke that bond

When I realized

He was never going to leave her

For me

He may have been my best friend

My soulmate

My cuddle buddy

But he used me

For his own needs

He was being selfish

I tolerated it

But not anymore

I'm changing I'm evolving

I'm saying goodbye to him

And the old me with lowered standards

J

By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

J's are for JERKS

J's are egotistical 

Maniacal 

J's are unloving

And selfish

J's do not do JUSTICE, justice

J's are liars

Manipulative

Con-artists

Stay away from the J's

They're no good for you

They make you less JOLLY

They make you JUDGE yourself harshly

Because they are impossible to satisfy

J's are JERKS

You Are My Devil

By: Samantha Jean Tate

(as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

You are my devil

Do I succumb to temptation?

Or will I finally break the chains

That chain me down to you?

You are my devil

My weakness

My flaw

My addiction

You tempt me

As I walk the shadow of death

I don't like being alone

But I also don't like

Being used

And manipulated

And sexualized

You are my devil

Why must you come back

When I'm at my lowest?

There's only one way out of Hell

And that is to fight your way out

I will fight this gravitational pull

I will fight every temptation

I will keep fighting for me

Because I deserve better

Than an addiction

Than sex

Than sweet words without actions

You are my devil.

I Was Prepared, But It Still Hurt By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

I was prepared, but it still hurt

I was prepared, but it didn't go as planned

I was prepared, but I was let down again

I was prepared, but I thought I had a chance

I was prepared, but I was unprepared for the baggage

The turmoil, the trauma, the hurts

From yesteryear when we were kids

You said he was a dick

And you understood me so much more than anyone else has ever gotten me

Is this love?

I was prepared, but I was caught off guard

I was prepared, but I drew The Tower

I was prepared, but I had high hopes

I was prepared, but then you broke the news

You didn't want to lead me on

You were honest and forthright in your affairs

You met someone

And that was that.

I was prepared, but it still hurt

I was prepared, but I cried

I was prepared, but I was left alone.

You By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in GROWTH: A Healing Journey of Poetry and Prose)

You may have raped me

You may have threatened me

I was scared then

I wish I would have spoken up

I wish I didn't lack courage

You took a piece of my innocence

A piece I'll never get back

It didn't haunt me

Up until now

I dream of you

You terrorizing me

Turning my friends into enemies

My family into strangers

You making me miserable

Every chance you got

You set wolves out to get me

You lit the match and set fire to my home

But you know what you can't rob me of?

Peace.

My inner peace.

I refuse to let you make me scared

Of other men, of love, of all good things

But I will let you know

You made me realize

How risky and how foolish I was.

I am wise now.

I'm on to you, demon

I banish you from my mind, my dreams

Be gone!

Am I Crazy? By: Samantha Jean Tate (dedicated to those who have second-guessed themselves and listened to victim-shaming friends & family)

Did it really happen?

Did I misinterpret your intentions?

Did I somehow lead you on?

I liked you

I thought you liked me

I figured you were lustful and wanted my soul

But it turned out you just wanted my body

Or any body

You didn't care whose body it was or the person inside

You had to get your sexual healing through me

When we were alone, I saw the monster that you are

Unfortunately, I was only 17

And didn't know what to do

So I went along with it, despite not wanting to

You threatened to make my life a living hell

If I ever told

I know in your past someone acted like this toward you

But it gives you NO RIGHT to have hurt me like you did

Now, at 40, I wonder

Did I make this all up?

Am I crazy?

Haunting Memories By: Samantha Jean Tate (as seen in my book, See Ya & Other Goodbyes: Poems & Prose About Life, Love, and Loss Through My Eyes)

I remember

The day we said goodbye—

At Pizza Hut,

Sharing a slice,

Talking, but not really.

You barely spoke,

And I barely knew how to say it.

"Let's just be friends," I whispered.

Your eyes, wide and wet,

Betrayed the words you hoped not to hear.

You wanted more.

But darling,I had wronged you.

You didn’t deserve it—

The hurt I caused,

The distance I built.

And I?

I didn’t deserve someone

As good as you.

I pushed you away.

Pushed.

Pushed.

Pushed.

I shoved you away.

Shoved.

Shoved.

Shoved.

The car ride home was silent,

Even the radio stood still.

It felt like the world had died.

But it wasn’t the world, it was us.

Our world ended that cold December day.

Now, all I have left

Are memories—

Memories that haunt,

That linger,

Of you,

Of us,

And the life we let slip away.

While You Clicked Everything Else By: Samantha Jean Tate

I was always open, 

but never in focus 

Always on the sidelines, never included 

I waited faithfully, like a dog waiting for his owner to come home from work 

I was just a background tab. 

I was not prioritized, 

as you browsed other tabs 

You made excuses, 

I sat by and loved you through the chaos. 

You opened me when you were lonely, 

or needed to decompress.

I was the background music--

soothing, familiar,

But never enough to earn your full attention.

You would minimize me when the world distracted you.

I waited—

spinning wheels,

buffering love

you never stayed long enough to download.

I watched you click on

everyone else,

while I silently screamed

in pop-up windows you dismissed.

But I am not an app. 

Not a shortcut. 

Not something to be forgotten, 

Not something to ignore. 

Just because you lost interest.

That time you opened me after a fight,

then minimized me again,

it ignited anger,

a desperate need to be seen.

So I denied access...

Closed my tab...

Cleared the cache...

your screen felt empty—

it crashed.

I will no longer be forgotten.

I will no longer be ignored.

I will be forever cherished

and adored.

I'll be someone's main tab—

Someone who sees my content,

Hears my background music.

And is fully present.

Someone will choose me someday,

but it will never be you.

The Math Ain't Mathing By: Samantha Jean Tate

I called it love 

But he changed his mind, 

I was doing all the emotional labor 

While he went and played hanky panky 

He cheated on me with her 

Then cheated on her with me-- 

A love triangle with no angles, 

Just circles. 

Repeating. 

Spinning in chaos.

He said he was confused,

I say he was consistent--

Consistently full of shit

Like his brown eyes

He thought he was the main character,

But now he follows my socials,

Scrolling through the glow-up,

Reading the story he got written out of.

As for me?

I'm the plot twist. 

The one who lived. 

The one who healed. 

The one who turns heartache into art. 

Thank you, next chapter.

I Cast This Spell By: Samantha Jean Tate

I cast this spell

So you may feel what I felt

So time turns bitter in your hands

So love becomes a stranger you never get to meet

May your hours be dismissed like mine were—

discarded, unseen, undervalued.

I cast this spell

Not for revenge—

But for protection.

For my sisters,

for myself.

And for you to realize

You. Don't. Matter. To. Me. Anymore.

May the weight of your own ignorance press on you like silence pressed on me.

I cast this spell

So you cannot touch me again

You are not my soulmate.

You were never my sanctuary

I banish your name, your energy, your echo

Across this life and the next—

Across every dimension and timeline

You do not follow me into the future

This is my final spell

By fire, by salt, by smoke, by storm—

Be gone!

This spell is invoked for every woman who waited.

For every sister unseen.

For every heart that was treated like a convenience.

I cast this spell

For her and for me!

The Ripper By: Samantha Jean Tate

Here I am, listening to that stupid heavy metal song you introduced me to.

And now it won't stop playing in my head.

The guitar riffs sounds like us arguing.

I am The Ripper.

The Ripper of your heart.

Leftist Punching Bag By: Samantha Jean Tate

I once voted for a villain

to make someone else happy.

This someone convinced me 

People misunderstood the villain.

The person I made happy?

He still bitched.

He still complained.

He still felt lonely and misunderstood.

He still had an icy heart

and didn't give a flying fuck about my grand gesture.

He said he wanted me to stay liberal.

He enjoyed challenging my point of view.

But I don't argue when we clearly do not see

eye to eye.

I was just his leftist punching bag.

And somehow, 

He still had my heart.

Where Did I Go? By: Samantha Jean Tate

"Where did you go?"

I went somewhere...

Far, far away.

Where your toxicity can't touch me,

Your words can't mess with my mind,

and where I can finally get off this hamster wheel

Of love.

And it's finally quiet here.

Mouse Trap By: Samantha Jean Tate

how do i say "i miss you"

when you were as toxic as

poisoned peanut butter

on a mouse trap?

how do I tell you "i love you"

but you're as unhealthy as a

cigarette and McDonald's?

how do i say "i'm letting you go"

but not shed a tear

and how do i sit

with the discomfort?

my current distress

doesn't mean

there's something more there.

it just means i'm struggling

to quit you like a bad habit.

to not fall for your

mouse trap.

Caaaaaaaaaat

By: Samantha Jean Tate

Cat, you're wierd.

You can't even spell weird right

because you assume

your private school education 

is superior.

Cat, you're weird.

Your lack of empathy

isn't a flex.

You think you're not fooled,

not easily brainwashed—

but you are.

You are in the cult 

of false heroes

and there's nothing I can do

but save myself

from you.

Cat, you're an odd fellow

You think you're mellow

But you are a sad, angry man

scared to be alone.

You don't want me,

you just want someone

to validate

your hate.

I'm Tired (a Response to an Emotionally Manipulative Ex) By: Samantha Jean Tate

My dad was in the hospital recently. My mom and I have had to watch my dad closely to make sure he doesn't fall as he's fallen a few times in recent months and his legs gave out on him when he went to the hospital. He couldn't walk or stand, so we had to call an ambulance. He was just home from the hospital and I was EXHAUSTED from worrying and helping my mom take care of my dad, and getting ready for a couple of events later that week that I was doing tarot readings. I had reached out to him the night before after my dad got home from the hospital. I was looking for comfort and familiarity. But he wasn't very empathetic. Instead, he wanted to talk about politics (after I had told him I did not want to talk about politics because all we do is fight and we do not understand each other) and how he, Trump and the right wingers aren't white supremacists and are just deeply misunderstood. He then continued to talk about masturbation and porn. I went to sleep.

The next day, I had confided in him that I was tired and wanted to take a nap while my mom ran to the store. He replied back with a frowny face and a "I'm sorry." I then wrote I do not have a nurturing bone in my body and that this was why I want to be alone and look after myself. I could never take care of someone properly. He responded with a damn joke about "boning me". I immediately blocked him. He screwed up his last chance to show a little bit of empathy to be a friend. Since we were friends before lovers. He was my best friend. But no, he's an asshole who doesn't even love himself. Instead, he craves attention from others and their love and approval. He ain't going to find it from me. And he's no longer my best friend, friend, or acquaintance. We are strangers once again.

Sunday night, he sends me this email claiming he's done with me. This is my response to his e-mail that I never sent him because he doesn't deserve a response.

"I'm tired of you blocking me without saying a word."

I'm tired of explaining and defending my feelings.

"I'm tired of you never working anything out like an adult."

I'm tired of you making me feel crazy when I try to explain why I feel things.

"I'm tired of never knowing if you'll fly off the handle or not."

I'm tired of having my boundaries crossed after I've given you numerous chances to learn my boundaries and abide by them.

"I'm tired of investing into something that can blow up at any time for any reason, with you making up stories in your head to be mad at me about."

I'm tired of having to justify my reasons for feeling my feelings. I'm tired of you gaslighting me, making me feel crazy that things you do didn't really happen. I'm tired of trying to understand you when you don't even understand me.

You think you know me, but you don't.

You think you deserve a medal because you stood by me when I was at my lowest.

You think you are perfect and do everything right,

when all you like to do is fight.

You think you deserve my loyalty,

because you're too afraid to be alone.

Because nobody loves you, not even yourself.

"I'm sick of it. Goodbye."

Me too, I'm out!

Here are some hotline numbers if you are in need of some support:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) 

https://rainn.org/

1-800-656-4673  

Available 24/7

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: This organization provides 24/7 confidential and anonymous support via phone, text, or online chat. Advocates can offer safety planning, resources, and referrals to local services, and help individuals in emotionally abusive situations.

• Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• Text: "START" to 88788
• Chat: Visit thehotline.or
  
  Love Is Respect: A national resource for young people experiencing dating abuse. It offers a 24/7 helpline with resources on safety planning and identifying healthy versus unhealthy relationships
  Call: 1-866-331-947
  Text: "LOVEIS" to 22522
  Chat: Visit loveisrespect.org
• Crisis Text Line: Provides 24/7 free, confidential support from a trained crisis counselor via text. This can be a safe way to reach out for immediate help.
• Text: "CONNECT" to 741741

Also, don't be afraid to reach out to a qualified therapist or counselor. Find a reputable counselor or therapist at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us or check with your country and healthcare provider.

I would like to thank my therapist, Candace, for helping me process my rape, the second-guessing I felt while processing my rape, and helping me untangle my toxic relationships and messy, complicated feelings.  Thank you!